In light of the month of May, which not only contains Mother's Day,
but also my 30th birthday, I'm feeling sentimental... maybe a bit..
nostalgic..
and I was overwhelmed with the desire to write a letter to my mother...
hey mom,
my earliest memories of you involve church and worship music and bible studies. the radio was always christian talk radio or worship music - in fact, I cannot remember a single time that you had the radio turned to anything but that. I was shy about Sunday school and so you let me sit with you in the pew. we attended assemblies of god churches where hands were always raised, tongues were often spoken and the music lasted forever. I specifically remember one service where the pastor didn't preach because he felt that the Holy Spirit was leading him to allow worship to continue... and we worshipped for 2 hours (or more?) straight.
that upbringing has completely formed and shaped my current spirituality. I love worship music and I love really EMOTIONAL and spirit led worship.. and I always want it to go on and on and on..
I remember trips to the chrisitian book store where I picked out endless stickers, erasers, pens, pencils, key chains, bookmarks.... all with bible verses on them.. and as I got older, books.
You were a reader.
You read all.the.time. I love to read. I love novels. I could read for days on end and get lost in a good book. Thanks for that :)
my other favorite memory is TCBY - let's talk about spoiled. you gave me my love for SWEETS and CHOCOLATE.. there is NEVER a reason to not have them ... starting in kindergarten, we went to TCBY EVERY SINGLE DAY after school. every.single.day. Yeup: frozen yogurt, every day. even in high school when we joined a carpool - before I could drive.. you STILL took us there every day. now, as a mom with a budget.. I cannot imagine the $$ we spent on frozen yogurt... but seriously, that is one of my favorite childhood memories.. thank you SO MUCH for that.
you golfed, and played bridge, and were a social-ite in my younger years. thus, I was very independent and had a nanny and sought out time with friends. you and I weren't social, together. but you allowed me to BE social. I was allowed to go to friends houses for sleepovers anytime I wanted and play dates and time with friends was never an issue, you ALWAYS said yes. thanks to you I formed some incredible life long friendships and relationships with people (namely, the Aurelio's) because you allowed me to spend endless hours with them.
your drink was a dry martini on the rocks.
you ALWAYS let me eat your olive.
I lived for that dang olive.
we ate out a lot. multiple times a week.. dad was a dry dry dry manhattan on the rocks, and yours was a dry martini on the rocks (saved the olive for me!) and mine was 5 cherries and a splash of coke - as dad would say.
that was normal.
only later did I realize that you drank a lot. sometimes in the morning.. with breakfast. in high school, you were so "cool" - you let me do whatever I wanted. sometimes though, when I got home.. you were concerned because you did not know where I had been. even though you did. but then I'd see that your eyes were glassy and I'd smell your breath and I'd realize.. oh, she just doesn't remember.
it got worse.. and then there were secrets and lies.
finally, you admitted it - you were an alcoholic.
so, you went to a rehab facility. I made you a journal. for the first 10 days or so you would be allowed no contact with anyone you knew, so those first 10 entries in the journal I wrote you letters complete with bible verses telling you that you were not alone, and that God would carry you through and that we loved you, and would be waiting for you when you got out. I don't know that I fully understood then what all of it really meant... but I was so proud, and I knew that you would be fine, because you loved Jesus and you were saved.
without re-living all of the years that followed... it only got worse. at some point, as I was maturing I realized that your drinking may have been about something more. what was it? I remember coming home from college one time, and choosing to sleep at Suzie's house (maybe because I missed her, maybe because I didn't want to sleep at home - I'm not sure) but you called me.. at like 2am.. talking crazy... you had tried to kill yourself by swallowing sleeping pills...
... I came home, called 911 - hid in the bathroom so you wouldn't take the phone.. and then, since we lived in FL, you were baker acted.
I had no idea what that meant.
the next day, I tried to locate you (because after the police came to get you, I went back to suzie's house and went to bed)... but I couldn't. no one could tell me anything, they weren't allowed to. but you didn't have your purse - and I knew that you'd be frantic without your purse..
... but I couldn't find you. the hospital had released you and wouldn't tell me where..
dad was in Michigan at the time.. and I'm sure I had alerted Peggy, maybe she was in MI too, but the memory is fuzzy... what I DO remember was that I felt like I was too young to be having to do this on my own. I was taking care of you.. had to find you, figure out what to do with you - all while home on a weekend from college.
it was then that I REALLY wondered.. why would she want to die? she has a husband, 2 daughters.. friends, a nice house, a nice car..
as much as I urged you to seek help, get counseling, etc.. you refused. AA did the trick for awhile, and I know you connected there - and was glad you had people who were like you, who could relate to you, in your struggle, and I knew you had help at a certain point from a pastor who had also been through a similar journey - and I knew you had God.
but obviously, some of that/all of that... was not enough. I ached because it was then that I knew... something had happened to you (and, maybe nothing did).. but I just assumed that there were issues in your past or your childhood that you never learned to deal with and that your generation viewed counseling/therapy as something only really messed up people, or crazy people did.. but gosh mom, I wish you could have worked through it..
I spent a lot of time angry at you. I spent more time very sad for you. I spent a lot of time wishing that things could be different.
yet, when I spoke of you and my childhood - it was all positive. you were a great mom. so much of who I am today is thanks to you. we went through a lot together. some of it.. maybe more than I would've wanted to, I guess... but.. it was what it was.
and today, in my bible study, a woman was talking about how she's been sober for 27 years. afterwards, I hugged her and told her congratulations. I started to cry. had no idea where these emotions were coming from.. but I did. I told her that so many people in her circle of friends and family must be so thankful and proud. my heart ached that you never were able to say that.. that you were never able to have that freedom in your life.
you're free now aren't you?
when I experience emotional worship in church these days - I wonder a few things:
can you see me?
can you hear me worshipping?
are you and our Lord looking down and rejoicing in that moment?
OR
are you so filled with glory and pleasure as you spend eternity worshipping your God, that THAT is your focus?
how is your glorified body? I bet you look great.
I can only hope and wonder that you are in Heaven, free from your bondage here.. free from whatever pain you were drinking away.
most days I don't think of you.
and then, on days that I do.. I feel sad about that.
some days, you flood my thoughts and my emotions run raw, like today.
you were so loved. so deeply loved. you were my mom. and mom, even where you may have "failed" - really, you did a great job. I turned out pretty well. I have dear friends who tell me that, and I have a family who loves and supports me... and mom, we miss you. you did a great job. a really great job.
thank you.
love, me.
wow. amazing how therapeutic that can be. I have a few thoughts for my mommy friends who are reading this:
you do not have to be perfect, we AREN'T perfect
it's okay
my mom was an alcoholic
DESPITE that, she is the reason why I love Jesus
she is the reason that I know the peace that passes understanding
she is the reason that worship music affects my soul
she is the reason I want to be a better Christian
she instilled that in me
talk to your kids (maybe not our 2 year olds)
but, she had issues... there was SOMETHING deep down there..
and I have no clue what.
but it affected her and her parenting
she shut me out of that
I couldn't participate in her healing process because of secrets
there was a part of her that was closed off
.. let's not be that kind of mom for our kids
trust God with these gems (our children)
instill in them a love for who HE is and for WhAT He can be in our lives
because of HIM, I made it through the journey with an alcoholic mother
He gives peace
HE will be there for them, we we ARE NOT or CANNOT be.
this must be a priority for us
lastly, thanks for reading this. I desperately want to be a blogger - but I've been slacking :)
I hope that his propels me into a good rhythm ... and thank you blog partner Sarah for wanting to share this with me..
I will end with a few photos/memories of my mama.
isn't she lovely?
ha, can anyone guess the year?
this one is from my wedding, 9.22.2007
as is this one...
thankfully, my mom was able to meet my Jack, before she died.
**sadly I just spent 45 minutes looking for my FAVORITE picture of her, and cannot find it :(
...may she rest in peace...
12.4.1936 - 7.10.2010
Posts
